duermete

kind of a crappy day. it just was. and that happens quite often and then i feel guilty coming in here complaining. i haven't worked out all week, blah blah blah.

the main thing about my life now is trying to sleep. every night i have gotten this extreme anxiety that i won't sleep at all -- that's what an impact the 3 nights of 2 hours each had on me. i overthink the complexity of actually letting go enough to doze off. but like anything you overthink (eating from a fork, going pee, getting married, etc.) the more you think about it, the weirder it becomes and then you feel like you've never ever done it before in your life and how will you trick yourself into doing it this time?

i know it's strange.

i had a professor once who said he freaked everyone out by asking them to think about their tongue sitting in their mouth. think about it. it's total weirdness to consider this thing is sitting there all day doing whatever. sometimes i get the same creepy feeling when i think about fingers -- could hands be weirder? i don't care how cool they looked when escher drew them. same with your brain in your head -- ew! ew! there's this BLOB sitting there in your head THINKING. then there's the fact that i just feel like a MIND, a CONSCIOUSNESS, roaming around then i look in the mirror and i either

1. see my mother and go "agh!"
2. think "oh my god i am alive!" and go "agh!"

it's either one or the other. what i look like on the outside does not match in any way whatsoever what i feel like on the inside.

this is why i want to come back as a snail in my next life.

and then there was this OTHER professor of psychology my roommate had and HE said once, "sometimes when i touch my own back i don't know it's me doing it -- what does that say about the human brain??!?" and after she told me that (like 20 years ago) i never again touched my own back without feeling like it was some sort of demon hand groping at me.

so, the sleep thing. i'm still not really happy and i'm eating everything too fast. i want to be like one of those "slow food" people that chews everything fifty times per bite but i'm more like a labrador retriever helping itself to a cake cooling on the counter while my master is out retrieving the mail. (i realize dogs are the ones who are supposed to retrieve the mail, but in my world the master gets it and i get to eat the cooling cake. what can i say, i'm a cat person.)

so, i take my giant brain sitting in my head and weird tongue sitting in my mouth and my funky fingers attached to my arms, all part of a body i don't even recognize in the mirror (unless i see my mother), and try to quietly ever so quietly lure myself to bed each evening with a sort of wispy half-dream out-of-the-corner-of-my-eye thing going on, and then engage in the 42 separate tiny rituals i do before i get in bed (delicacy and time constraints prevent me from detailing them all), and i try to fall asleep by accident before the brain that's sitting in my head all day wakes up and starts thinking about how it actually happens.

what this means overall is that i can't work out at night right now and i need to feel a little fat because of it, despite my starvation diet weight loss of several weeks ago.

it also means that, as part of the 42 tiny rituals i make what i call my floornest which is a series of stacked comforters on the floor where i will repair if i can't sleep. it feels safer, somehow, and like i don't have to sleep if i don't feel like it, i can just lie there.

and i usually end up falling asleep there if i can't shut my brain up enough to do it anywhere else.

i realize the above sound like the rantings of a hallucinating insomniac. but i've managed to trick myself a bunch lately.

try not to think about your tongue.