doctors warn 'skinny jeans' can lead to thigh nerve syndrome

so this is what it's come to. the very first headline i saw this morning.

the rowhouse has been stripped several times down to nothing, like the altar at maundy thursday services, and each time i ditch it i think, "that was the last time! SEE YA!"

except it never really is.

the problem i have with this thing (while we're talking problems, like thigh nerve syndrome, etc. -- what the hell is that?) is that i can't talk about a goddamn thing on here. i can't curse (even though i just did twice), i can't risk it being found by my job so i therefore can't even say what my job IS, and i can't write about my TRUE, deepest feelings, whatever they might be because if i sit here for too long i'll end up with thigh nerve syndrome.

so it's a question of time, which really i have a lot more of than i let on. if s is doing his share and i'm not compulsing my days away by "having" to ride my bike an hour a day or make sure that every particle of ... god, i don't even want to think about what it might be ... is removed from my ancient, perpetually-crapping cat, then i actually DO have time to write the blog.

facebook -- facebook is a morass. so i didn't unfriend any of you, i just went on hiatus, none of you have offended me that deeply and frankly i'm surprised you even like me at all. (it's like that, i'm on a low self esteem kick. again). and occasionally i'm like, wow, what a quick way to say hi to him and her and her and him, and then i'm in love with it. but most of the time it's a giant time waster and even though i write things pithily in bite-sized chunks, i am sick of the facebookification of the universe. i have to talk about this stuff all day at work.

if only you knew what that was.

so, i'll probably go back there eventually too, but one thing at a time.

so, what's the good word? well, you know, a little clinical depression never hurt anyone. this one was particularly heinous because i COULDN'T eat and i COULDN'T sleep and even AMBIEN wasn't working (though ambien makes every part of your body feel puffed up for a spell like you're a giant honey smack kernel). that sucked, because most of my depressions are like, "wow! veal parm!" or whatever isn't nailed down and i could pretty much fashion a bed on a park bench, with or without a hobo to share it with. not this time, mr. magoo!

i lay there thinking for three straight nights (which contained a collective six hours' of sleep), "god, i cannot BEAR to listen to my stupid head for yet another second." then i wondered why i was walking around the world hallucinating, and i looked up how many calories you have to eat to run your body, just like, metabolically, and apparently it's 1,200. who knew? so i figured, here i am eating like 600 calories a day because everything tastes like cardboard, and pretty soon my stomach's going to eat itself and no wonder i think my garden gnomes are alive.

in s's words, "eat something, for christ's sake."

so i did. and now i can't stop because there are andes candies in the house. why, why do they stuff so many of those delectable little mint surprises in each little tray? because you can pretty much plow through that box in about 45 minutes without even chewing continuously. right after i finish this i think i'll go up and eat some more. yum. i wonder what would happen if you put one in milk? experiment time.

so anyway, what else is going on?

1. the cats are still alive, though the little, evil, puking one tried to escape last week. marlon brando: the autumn years is now on arthritis injections.

2. p is changing schools. wait till i tell you about the bullying thing -- ja vol. we're going to the friends now. she did a sample day last week and it was absolutely amazing. i haven't seen her that happy in ages.

3. she has a glockenspiel concert tonight. i am already bracing myself for the inevitable tears for when she misses a b-flat. however, i plan to give her a standing ovation.

4. i lost a number of pounds from the starvation diet, and they're staying off despite my sporadic bike riding and honey smacks consumption.

5.

hope you're all well.